Things are so backwards in our relationship. If grandpa were still alive, he’d probably cuss my hubby out and call him everything but a white boy.

Hubby

• He wants things to cook with (IE a stand mixer, a dutch oven, loads of cast iron, a french fry cutter, a mandolin, etc…)
• He has to have everything perfectly organized and clutter-free (forget sanitation, though. He has no idea what that it)
• He’s effin’ moody. I mean, damn! The funks he gets in just because I express that I’m feeling a little insecure at the moment makes me want to rip his head off. Big baby… Is it time for your period or something?
• Let’s re-arrange the furniture and re-decorate!
• Let’s go shopping!
• Ooh…I like this ring. It’s mine now.
• He nags me more than my mother ever did.
• “Your stuff is everywhere.”
• “You’ve got some cleaning to do.”
• “You better pick that up.” “You left your plate/cup/food out.”
• “You better not make a mess.”

Me

• We don’t need all of these kitchen gadgets and I don’t want them. I hate cast iron and I can slice and dice better than a stupid french fry cutter or mandolin. Curse you, Alton Brown! You’re a bad influence! lol No, I love Alton Brown. It’s just he goes to the store too much and has too many gadgets for hubby to drool over.
• Things will get organized once I get everything else done that’s more important. Stop nagging me. Are you my mother? And wash your hands, dammit! You get us both sick enough. You think you’d learn by now… Wait, you weren’t the one hurling your socks up both times and having the runs. You just had diarrhea. Try throwing up all night like you made me do, then you’ll wash your filthy hands. Sanitation is more important than organization! Organization won’t keep me from getting deathly ill…
• Things are fine the way they are. We do not need to spend money on a new couch. This one is just fine. When it totally blows craps, then we’ll get a new one. Quit trying to spend the money like water.
• We don’t need anything. My parents will probably let you borrow that or even give it to you. That’s not worn out and we don’t need a new one just because you don’t like it anymore.
• Stop stealing my jewelry! At least he hasn’t taken anything in a long time, but still, I just want to point out another weird thing. Guy’s shouldn’t steal their wives jewelry.
• Be a man! I feel like I’m living with another woman who’s having PMS! Do you want some chocolate? I perk up after I’ve been upset. Why do you have to act so pissy? I apologize and try to make up for it. Inside my head, though, you make me so mad for being a baby that I think my head might pop like a juicy pimple! Grandpa taught me to be a good little soldier. I put on a good tough act around you. Man up!
• When is the last time I nagged you? I don’t nag you anymore because you’ve become 3 times the nag that I was. I’m the wife! That’s my job! Quit trying to be the wife! Bitch, bitch, whine, whine, nag, nag, nag. That’s what I hear from you and that’s why I keep my mouth shut. I don’t want you to think of me like that.

Ok, I know I said earlier that everything was all hokey pokey, sunshine, and fluffy bunnies. He did manage to bug me slightly by getting into a small pissy fit tonight, though. Besides, I’ve been wanting to type this out for a long time. Looks like our 9-day streak of sex every day is probably going to end today. That’s fine. I don’t feel like playing with him after he’s done that baby routine on me. Men need to act like men, not babies. We wives are not your mothers and don’t want to put up with it.